


Untradeable

by herbiecide



Category: RWBY
Genre: Ironwood would make a great Mel Kiper Jr., Jaune can be Kurt Warner, RWBY x NFL Draft, The crossover absolutely no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29994108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbiecide/pseuds/herbiecide
Summary: A recent change to the academies causes a new event to appear from thin air: The Draft!Who is the cream of the crop in this new draft? Who will get left behind? Which one will be an absolute bust?  Everyone’s gotta pick, and tonight is draft night!
Kudos: 1





	Untradeable

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I was gonna take a break after Brinkmanship, but my brain said NO! And now, this. This was written up in only 3 hours.

*anime opening music here*

“Welcome to the 3022 Huntsman Draft! I am your lovely host, James Ironwood.”

The huntsman groups that have taken graduated huntsman and huntresses in for centuries have become weary of the infighting and anger from trying to get the best of the best. So a change was demanded.

Now, the 32 official squads get to have their pick of the litter among these prospective graduates.

And first up is the Sanus Lions, a crew who tackles Grimm hunts on the northern edges of Vale. They had lost their two best members in an unfortunate accident this year, so they are desperate for a game-changer, especially on offense.

And luckily for them, the #1 prospect on everyone’s board is an offensive mastermind, with nearly infinite potential power.

“The Sanus Lions are now officially on the clock. However, I imagine that they aren’t going to think too long about this one.”  
  


*PICK IS IN!* before Ironwood even gets a chance to start his spiel.

Ozpin, another one that is on the stage, cuts in.

“Well, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. And who could blame them, because they have the prized honor of selecting the #1 prospect, the 40th Vytal Festival winner, the one that has been plastered on almost every cereal box, Pyrrha Nikos!

“Yes Ozpin, she might possibly be the greatest huntress in Beacon’s long, storied history. Standing at an incredible 6 feet tell, and 145 pounds, she has a record that few will ever match. She is the first student ever in any academy to go undefeated in sparring classes. That’s 25-0!”

“And that doesn’t get into her performance on team JNPR… During the Vytal Festival, they absolutely smashed the living daylights out of BRNZ, and as you all can see at home, she was the offensive powerhouse. She is absolutely perfect with her javelin, being able to hit a target 200ft away dead center.”

“Even her defense is absolutely spectacular. Akoúo̱ really does stop everything. Bigger than a Beowulf’s claw, it is made of some of the finest steel that can be had in Mistral. Just watch it stop Gianduja’s bullet rain! Barely a scratch!”  
  


“And if you think that’s all, oh boy you are missing out, because those shoes are steel-toed. I would not want to be on the receiving end of one of those, eh Oz?”

“Definitely not, James.”  
  


The TV cuts to an absolute manhandling of Russel Thrush by Pyrrha herself, this time not even using her weapon or semblance. And it’s not too pretty.

“Oh Oum! I can just feel the pain she inflicted from here.”

“It took months for Russell to get back into fighting form after that gruesome match.”

“…Well, I think we’ve shown enough. She truly lives up to her nickname, “The Invincible Girl”, does she not?”

“Yes, she does. In fact, I will go so far as to claim that she is the best student to ever come out of the academy. Yes, even beating the legendary Summer Rose.”

“I would accuse you of bias, but I find it incredibly hard to disagree with you. There’s Glynda going up to announce the selection!”

They cut way to the podium, where Glynda stands, with a proud smile on her face.

Most of the Sanus fans in attendance are happy, but there are a few fans who are a bit worried… they better not **bungle** this one..

“With the first pick in the 3022 huntsman draft, the Sanus Lions select Pyrrha Nikos, of Beacon Academy!”

The room erupts into cheering. There are dozens of people in cosplay, all happy as a clam. They get even brighter as Pyrrha walks onto the stage, with many of them even bouncing up and down.

“ **I love you Pyrrha! Goddammit!** ”

A particularly ravenous fan yelled that out with a Pumpkin Pete cereal box in his hand, which spills all over several people. They stare at him with a look of disgust. He’s probably not coming out of this one in one piece…

But no matter! Pyrrha gets a hug from Glynda, as she puts on the hat of the Sanus Lions, and walks off the stage, to yet more cheering.

“Well, I think that reaction about sums it up, doesn’t it!”

“Why yes it does! They’re gonna be one of the most feared groups in a generation!”

“And now, for the next team, the Mantle Vikings! They have the second pick. Oz, who do you think they should select?”

“Well, I, personally, would be impartial to Yang Xiao Long, but there is a multitude of good choices here. No clear cut #2 in this class.”

“That is true. But why not start this draft off... with a Yang?!”

Ozpin really has to try to not punch a wall. He’s heard  **way** more than enough of those kinda puns dealing with her in school.

“ _Why yes, Ironwood, that would seem like a great idea._ _ **Let’s go over to the podium now, shall we?!?!?!?**_ ”  


“With the second pick of the 3022 Huntsman Draft, the Mantle Vikings select… Coco Adel, of Beacon Academy!”

This one is a bit divisive. Some are cheering with the same level of intensity that Pyrrha got, while others are just shaking their heads. Goddammit Vikings…

Even Coco does not look too enthused about it, despite the smile she tries to wear. She is a gunner for fashion, and really doesn’t look the type for a viking beard…

“Well, a bit of a surprise, but not a bad pick, if I do say so myself.”

“Yes, she sure will be good at quashing “rebellious pockets of Grimm”, **won’t she, James?** ”

Ironwood did not miss that pointed edge. But there’s no time to sort that out now. The third pick is afoot! And the next team up is the Oscuro Jets!

There are way too many good options to choose from. Even a trade down with someone el-

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“ **WE WANT YANG!”**

“Well, I think I know who the crowd favorite is!”

“Oh yes! And there’s no reason any team wouldn’t want a piece of this! Standing at 5 foot 8, 135 pounds, this bombastic blonde is by far the most flashy huntress in this entire draft! With Ember Celica on her hands, and a cruel damage-boosting semblance, she will be able to kill almost everything in one shot! There’s nothing that can stop her when she’s pissed off!”

The TV shows Yang being an absolute badass, mowing down Grimm like they were merely specks of dust. Plus, _totally_ unexpectedly, some “favorable camera angles” for the guys out there.

But she does look beautiful out there shredding everyone, no camera tricks needed to see that.

Glynda is back out on the podium once again to announce the choice:

“With the third pick in the 3022 Huntsman Draft, the Oscuro Jets select Brawnz Ni from Shade Academy.”

...

…

“ **WHAT THE FUCK?!** ”

This particular Jets fan, Policeman Joe, sums up the reaction of the crowd. Boos start chiming in from all directions as Brawnz comes out to the stage and grabs his Jets hat.

“Thank you Oscuro for selecting me!”

And just like that, he is gone. But the boos and general distaste aren’t. It almost overwhelms James and Ozpin as they attempt to do damage control.

“Well, this is a bit of a reach, but Brawnz is a very good leader. With a very respectable 21-4 sparring record, he will sure make a fine addition to the squad.”

“That he will. Even though it wasn’t the flashy choice everyone wanted, he sure will be a great talent going forward.”

But even they are also dissapointed. They wanted Yang too. CURSE YOU JETS AND YOUR HORRIBLE DRAFT SELECTIONS!

The picks begin to come off the board faster. Yang, of course, was picked immediately with the 4th selection, blowing a hole in the ceiling as she got her congratulations. Some are extremely obvious picks, like Blake Belladonna going to the Menagerie Kiwis halfway through the first round.

Others are more unique, like Penny Poledina being selected 21st overall by the Atlas Paladins.

“Salutations!”

A quick show-off of her swordplay turns the crowd instantly to her side, with almost as much love as Pyrrha got. After a lot of trouble, the second round begins.

“With the 42nd pick in the 3022 Huntsman Draft, the Solitas Chocolate Chips select… Ruby Rose, from Beacon Academy!”

Who the hell are the Solitas Chocolate Chips? How is that a team name?

Let’s ignore that, and instead watch Ruby stroll up the stage, weapon proudly displayed next to her. It’s taller than she is.

“That’s probably the cutest thing I have ever seen.”

And boy it is cute. Some fans in a particularly red corner of the room are absolutely swooning right now at the prospect. With this selection, Team RWBY becomes the first full team to be selected. And all by the second round! That’s a new record. This class truly is special.

Three other teams are at 3 / 4 right now, including CFVY, leaving out Fox, SSSN, leaving out Sun, and, the least surprising one, JNPR, with Jaune being the leftover.

“So, what team do you think will be next to be filled out?”

“If I had to take a guess, it would be SSSN. Sun is a very explosive individual and would be an excellent face of any team. But don’t count out Fox or Jaune either. Fox has great coordination, and would be a nice surprise deployment for a team looking to catch Grimm by surprise.”

“And of course, Jaune is still on the board. He isn’t a particularly good physical specimen, posting a pretty bad 7-18 record in sparring, but his tactical abilities are some of the highest in this whole draft. This kid has the intangibles. I think, if he gets on the right team and gets some development under his belt, he will be an exceptional leader.”

“Thanks Ozpin, I can only agree. Jaune should be selected in the third or fourth round. But we can only watch and see…”

The second round bleeds into the third. Sun is selected at the beginning of the third round, marking the second completed team. The day drags on, and less and less time is spent on the picks. Cardin gets selected midway through the fourth, and his appearance on the stage was the most controversial yet, swinging his mace to the point where even Glynda had to back away.

“There were 113 mistakes made ahead of me. I will make sure over the next decade or so that they will **know** they made a mistake.” And after one final mace swing, he leaves the stage.

The picks continue to go off the board, and Jaune is still left waiting. Even team NDGO got completed by this point!

The 199th pick is up now, and this one is particularly special because of one particular person…

“And now we are at pick 199. James, tell all of us at home why this pick is special.”

“Yes Oz, 22 years ago, in the 3000 draft, Taiyang Xiao Long was selected with the 199th pick by the Vale Spartans. Even though this pick seemed like just another player, he turned out to be one of the greatest huntsmen in history, almost surpassing the amazing accomplishments of David Arc during the great war. He is now a well-respected teacher at Signal, inspiring future generations of huntsmen and huntresses.”

“And now we find out who gets a chance to try to fill those massive shoes.”

At this point, Glynda is no longer walking up to the podium, so everyone only gets to see the name pop up on the screen.

“Reese Chloris, Haven Academy”

“A surprising pick, to be sure, but let’s not judge just yet. That hoverboard is an extremely dangerous bit of gear.. Those twin pistols are a very, very proficient ranged weapon.”

Ozpin has literally never heard of Reese before, so all he does is agree.

The sixth round turns into the seventh and final round. The last few students get their call-ups. But Jaune is left in the room, as he and Russel are the only two that remain from all of Beacon’s students. The last pick, the most irrelevant of all the picks, is neither of them.

Russel doesn’t really care too much, but Jaune is absolutely devastated. Even some physical freaks that had a few screws missing were selected. But not him.

With the draft concluded, and the lights gone off, Ozpin walks up to him.

“Don’t feel too sad. Even undrafted students have gone on to do great things. Qrow was undrafted, and look at how good he is now!”

“But he’s a drunkard!”

Shit, he wasn’t supposed to know that! Oum Dammit!

“...well… You can just try to forge your own path. You can be a free agent, and I promise you, if you prove yourself, someone will give you a shot.”

Jaune’s spirits improve, but not by much. But it’s enough for now. These two walk off, leaving Jaune’s future in an uneasy limbo...

**Author's Note:**

> This fic becomes 1000x better when you understand the NFL references. I know most people (especially on here) won’t get them, so I’ll explain them out for you real fast.
> 
> The Sanus Lions are basically the Cincinnati Bengals. They get the 1st overall pick and pick the best player, just like in the NFL. That’s why the word “bungle” was in bold.
> 
> The Mantle Vikings are just something I made up. Obviously they take a bit from the Minnesota Vikings, and I thought Coco would be cool to be selected because of the fashion stuff.
> 
> The Oscuro Jets are a reference to the New York Jets. The Jets have really, really bad drafting. The “WE WANT YANG!” bit is a reference to the famous 1995 draft, where the Jets fans were cheering “WE WANT [Warren] SAPP!” before the Jets picked, but instead of picking Sapp, who would go on to be a great player, they picked Kyle Brady, some random tight end. Policeman Joe is a reference to “Fireman Ed”, a famous Jets fan who eventually retired because of “how nasty the fans have been”, but I think it’s because he was tired of seeing the Jets suck.
> 
> Then I just put filler in for a bit. Draft analysts always talk about the “intangibles”, whatever those mean, so I used that here.
> 
> The next major thing was Cardin, and his comment was a reference to Josh Rosen saying that nine mistakes were drafted ahead of him when he was selected 10th overall by the Cardinals. And Josh Rosen ended up sucking. BAD. 
> 
> The 199th pick was a reference to Tom Brady, because he was the 199th pick all the way back in 2000, and he’s won seven super bowls. I put Reese in for that because I thought it was cool, and no one would be expecting that.
> 
> The last draft choice is called Mr. Irrelevant, so I put in a bit of spectacle about that. But ultimately, Jaune doesn’t get drafted at all.
> 
> Russel not being drafted was because I wanted someone with Jaune, and I realized afterward this is a subtle nod to JaMarcus Russell, the most famous draft bust in NFL history. 
> 
> And that’s it for the references! This was written in 3 hours, the idea was that big in my head. One last thing, to Roger Goodell specifically, **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


End file.
